Confidence, insecurity, self esteem - Tips

Get moving! If you want change, you will have to do something for it. If you keep doing what you always did, you will get the same results. So you will have to do something else.

Fear of failure can freeze you, which makes it hard to take steps in a different direction. But when you don't take steps, you maintain the situation you don't like.

So get moving and take action!

Practice mindfulness.
Look with a mild, gentle and friendly attention to your fears.

Accept that fear is there, without identifying with it. You are not the fear, you have the fear.

By approaching yourself and your fears in a gentle manner, you can relax deeper and then your fear can become soft too.

When a lifetime of self-criticism did not help you, give self-approval a try and see what happens

Visualize what you do want.

Visualize how you want to be in certain situations, how you want to think, how you want to feel and how you want to act.

Think of a certain current situation where you often feel insecure. And visualize how you would want to feel. Imagine it vividly and try to really feel and experience it.

You are then practicing, in your mind and with your emotions, and you are preparing your body for this situation. You are creating new possibilities.

When the situation presents itself again in the future you have created a new framework, with which you feel differently, you think differently and you act differently.

For many people it helps to write down and share their story with others. You can share your story on the confidence-insecurity-self-esteem-peer-support-forum on this website.

The other day I read a great slogan for people that are afraid they are not able to do something they never did before:

Think like Pippi Longstocking that often said: "I never did it before, so I can do it!" And that girl was super good and strong, right?!

Are you insecure when you enter a room with a lot of unfamiliar people?

For example when you go to a workshop, meeting or party. Do you think they are judging you on your appearance or prestige? Are you insecure, looking around for some eye contact or confirmation and are you hesitant to join a person or a group?

TURN IT AROUND!

Enter the room with your chin up, take a look around at the people to find out who you think is friendly, worthwhile or interesting enough to talk to. Immediately walk towards that person, introduce yourself or shortly say hello.

Realize that it is not needed to have a conversation right a way. Is there nobody you would like to talk to?

Then go and stand on your own next to a table in the following posture: eyes focused a bit upwards, chin slightly up, shoulders hanging loosely down, pelvis pulled a bit inwards, toes slightly pointed outwards.

Stand and feel the ground firmly under your feet. While you stand like that, let your eyes go over the people, relaxed and nonchalant. Or you find an interesting spot just above eye level and look at it attentively. There's a good chance that somebody will come to you and introduces himself! Good luck!

Dare to ask for what you want.

To ask for what you want you first have to identify what it is, which can be hard in itself.

Therapy is a great way of pulling away the layers and masks and defining what your true needs and wants are in your life!

If you find yourself justifying your own choices, purchases and lifestyle it may be a good time to pause, check within yourself as to why.

Are you actually unsure and justifying it to yourself as well as them as you speak? Or are you looking for approval?

Did you grow up with conditions of worth?
Did you tip toe around mum and dad?
Was love conditional on being the good boy/girl?

Working with a counsellor can help you value yourself, without it being conditional. Learn how to give yourself positive regard.

If you have a Christian faith, it can sometimes add to the sense of shame you feel, especially if you feel you're failing to live up to the expectations of others or even your own expectations. After all, we try to live up to the highest standards, don't we?

A sense of shame is hard to live with because it implies you are faulty and, even worse, might be unlovable! Alternatively, there may be words in scripture that can encourage you to believe that no matter what, nothing is impossible.

Perhaps working with a counsellor with the same faith as you can help you identify the resources hidden from you and find meaning and purpose again. Then, rather than struggling against a negative self-view, you could simply learn to love others as you love yourself and be unashamedly yourself in relationships.

People with low self-esteem usually have also very self-critical inner talk. This keeps the brain in “alarm mode” and increases triggers anxiety. Self-compassion instead helps the brain to activate the soothing system which then reduces anxiety. It can be hard to change the inner talk more compassionate but it is possible. In therapy, you learn to challenge your inner critic and you learn tools to be more compassionate towards yourself.

Negative beliefs about not being good enough (looks, abilities, behaviour etc etc) are often based on what we were told or what was implied by care-givers and other significant people in our lives as we were growing up. We tend to internalise these and it's like they become our own beliefs.

We can spot these faulty beliefs when, for instance, they don't match up with what the people in our lives now- friends, partner, colleagues- think about us, and how we would like to see ourselves. Separating out the old beliefs from new, evolving ones can be really helpful.

If we let things just happen in order to avoid having to make a decision, will we end up where we want to?

To face situations head on and to take time to consider our choices can be daunting, but to recognise we do have choices can also be empowering.

It’s so important to recognise the massive amount of power we do already have to change how our life looks and stop acting and living like we don’t!