Communication issues - Tips

Practice with nonviolant communication (abbreviated NVC, also called Compassionate Communication or Collaborative Communication)

These are the four components of nonviolant communication:

1) Observation
2) Feelings
3) Needs
4) Requests

1) Observation = the facts

- I see....
- I hear.... is that correct?
- You say....
- I notice.....

2) Feelings = emotions or sensations, free of thought and story

- I feel....
- This triggers...... in me
- I notice I have trouble with....
- I feel sorry about....
- I am afraid that...
- I experience ...

3) Needs = express why something is important for you

- Because ...... is important to me
- Because I long for....
- It is important to me that...

4) Request = request for a specific action, free of demand, that meets your needs.

- How would it be for you to.....?
- What is it like for you to.....?
- Are you willing to.....?
- I would like to ask you to.... is that ok?
- I would like to hear your side of the story, could you tell me?
- Would you do this for me?
- Shall we do.... together?

Agree that you don't have to agree. By agreeing on this you might not feel the need to convince the other person of your opinion.

You can also get to know each other opinions in a calm way. Accept that the other persons opinion differs from yours, and that it is OK that you disagree on something.

In communication it is often about power, who is right and who is wrong?

Consider: do I want to be right or do I want to be in contact?

Listen attentively to what the other is saying. Many people are thinking about what they are going to say while the other person is talking. They don't really listen to what the other person is saying.

Try to be really with your full attention with the listening.

"When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you might learn something new."

When you are you in a conflict, don't say what the other is doing wrong, rather express what you want from the other. This can prevent an escalation.

Are your experiencing communication issues and could you use some support?
A therapist or counsellor can help you.

Be open to the opinion and arguments of the other person. And also be open to adjust your own opinion. You change, you get new information, so it is very natural to change opinion.

In politics you often see that every party has it's own opinions and arguments. Every party/politician is proclaiming his own opinion without really being open for opinions and arguments of the other parties. It looks like a kind of theater play where it is clear from the beginning what everybody is going to say and what the outcome will be.

Politicians hardly ever change their opinion and arguments. And if they do it, it is not appreciated, because he is seen as not reliable. And they refer to the past. "But ten years ago you said ...."

When you are not open to the opinions and arguments of others, then you are mainly proclaiming your own opinions. This cannot really be called 'communication'.